Beating myself up.

I have a confession to make. I talk to myself. ( OK so we pretty much all do that...right? so that's not the confession) But when I talk to myself I don't speak words of truth,and encouraging words 80% of the time...I am working on filling my "thought closet" with God's truth but its a process that takes time...I beat myself up all the time with words that I would not dare say to someone else,things like "you are so stupid...I can't believe you just did that."  or "You are never going to amount to much if anything. Why even try."

So Yesterday I had trouble while at a friends house...I couldn't back out of their driveway...I got in the car and tried to navigate this tricky driveway but eventually admitted defeat and had to go and embarrassingly ask for help. To the onlooker it might seem no big deal...I am  not the most experienced driver and that driveway was long and narrow and backing out of it was a challenge...But do you think that I looked at it this way? No the thoughts swirling in my head were kinda like this "I can't believe you can't back out of this driveway. Think about how this is going to look. You don't deserve your license if you can't even do this and that's what everyone will think." My thoughts were really destructive and don't reflect truth. I wish I could say those thoughts left me when I started back home, or when I got home...but they didn't. Those thoughts kept turning in my head and my friend this morning I can't sleep because I have let lies,negative, and overall destructive thoughts to stew in my mind.

What should have been going on in my mind...I should have stopped when I first recognized these thoughts knocking on my "thought closet's" door and said "wait a minute before you come in I need to test you for truth! If your not true you can't come in!"

Because you see those thoughts that are not true that come and take residence in your closet and overwhelm you are like an old smelly pair of pants you find in the garbage,you don't like the pants, you don't really want the pants and yet they hang in your closet and make it stink, they get the clothes around them dirty and smelly and overwhelm you with their displeasing presence. They need to be thrown out!!!!

"Let the words of my mouth
and the meditations of my heart
be acceptable in your sigh O Lord,
My Rock and my Redeemer."
Psalm 19:14

This is what I need...I need my meditations and the words I speak even to my self to be acceptable to Him...If they are not then I don't need them! I need to replace my untruth with His truth.

My prayer is this

Lord,
I know that I have been saying things to myself that are not true. Lord, I know who and what you say I am and I know that they don't match up with what I have been uttering to myself. Lord, I pray that you would help remind me of who you say I am ...Lord, I pray for wisdom and truth to abound more in the way I talk to myself. I ask forgiveness for all the times I have lied. I pray that you can help me change Lord. I know that only you can change me and help me change.
Amen





So I know that by the last post and this one you may be thinking "dude this chick is crazy and talks to herself way too much!!" and if so you may be right! But I have never said I was perfect and I do hope that you don't judge me too much and can see that I am striving to be more Christlike! =)